|
02:55 am
[Link] |
i broke tonight
i broke completely. i lost my head and lost the reasons and the purpose. i messaged her cause i couldnt stand thinking shes ok when im not. why cant i just be ok when shes ok. if im ok and i see shes is too then i lose it. FUCK. so i messaged kas too. fuck fuck. she hates me enough. grr. kflgjbteslrfndso;rkngtjdslgjeogdjfkdlcfjuhgfieocdjfkngtjrfikncvfbgjrfoishgrikdsvjfnhgrfdsojngfrkdcnmjgfreids;lfkngtmjefkd;olngtjresdoffkgtjwruiaoptlk5hgnjfdwl;qfnhgtjfknjvgfekdorpigjvfnkflgjnfmkdlrtoigjrkfl;owpigtjrkofrituguhrjfnmk
blah. fuck.
|
|
08:47 pm
[Link] |
shit
i keep trying to not let what my mom do or doesnt do affect me but shit it stings like a bitch. im in the same town as you for 4 days and yet me barely hang but i understand that cause there was a lot of family and i couldnt go with you much cause im underage. but the day we do get you wanna go hang with your family with a few hours. ok cool go have a good time and when you get back you can take me to the airport. yea. intead you are having too much fun seeing something youve never seen before and you have my uncle take me. seriously? so now i dont even get to say bye after barely seeing you in general and discussing how i have NO IDEA the next time i will see you. i dont have a clue! could be a year! and you cant leave to give me a hug and a pat on the back....man it hurts...and now im crying in a vegas airport. great. we know she does this shit from time to time hell she chooses rodney over us all the time but its not something i can get used to. i just wanted a bye :*( maybe im just being selfish by wanting the most important person in my life to give me that....ive been holding by a thread lately and she saw that. a hug wasnt asking for much...o well. next time...whenever that is...
|
|
11:05 am
[Link] |
gotta vent somewhere
..........one week. one week i say. try not to talk to her for one week and see if im still as lost. im so lost. i love her. no shit. but seriously for the rest of my life i will question every statement she gives me. why would someone sign up for that? she admitted it too. she doesnt trust me either. esp with kas. so why are we doing this. we dont trust each other and we probably never will. i can find someone else and be just as happy...but will i trust them or has this situation screwed it all up. she was the first one to hurt me like this. to rip me apart and then beg me back. i see her tears i feel her pain i know she is sorry but that doesnt mean in a few years she will forget the pain and do it all over again. i was her queen. i was. i was different than any other girl to her and i knew it. i knew she saw me as better and i knew i was better. and i knew she would never treat me as some bitch just like she treated all of them. but she did and i was knocked off my pedestal and back to the floor. fuck. i deserve better. way better. i am that queen and maybe ill find someone else who sees me as one and will build that pedestal higher....but i saw myself with her. god damn i really did. everynight being held tight in her arms and every morning her fingers on my back. that is what i had to look forward to and i couldnt wait another minute for it to begin. and then it all changes in an instant. 4 words destroyed it. well the action destroyed it but the admittance made it real. i dont want to share my life anymore. how could i. the life and heart i shared were lies. fuck! i know what i need to do. no shit. but i also know the smiles and the feelings we shared. no one else knows those moments therefore no one else can truly understand. they know whats best for me and shit so do i but maybe just maybe this once will become whats best. they say people never change. i did. i stopped cheating and i realized in order to do that you have to keep the temptation away. i learned that. maybe she can do. but its the lying. and shit now that im all broken again my commitment to keeping temptation away is gone. i want constant temptation all the time. im hurt and i dont care if she gets hurt again. and the circle continues....fuck. im getting no where....shit she texted me...12 hours does not count as one week karla....rihanna reference....god i remember singing it to her holding her head in my lap and staring into her eyes.....i hate that memory now :(:(:(anyway, im getting no where. 6 days left. ill be back to vent in vain yet again. peace.
|
|
08:47 pm
[Link] | you dont get sympathy for your life. you cant just email a teacher and ask for an extension just because youve been crying for two days. she doesnt care. life is hard. get the fuck over it. so what if you cant concentrate and break the pencil into 6 pieces and you start to cry...again...because you see the words on the page but cant make out what they mean. its not her problem. its not your friends problem. its not your sisters problem. you just give them more pain by showing them your pain and your weakness. and its certainly not his problem. you cant go around showing weakness and proving to him he affected you. youre worthless. youre stupid. and youre a pussy. get the fuck over your past and go work for some sort of future. stop asking for sympathy, you dont deserve it. GOD DAMNIT DEBRA STOP FUCKING CRYING!!!! SUCK IT UP YOU FUCKING PUSSY!!! WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!
.....
im gonna go sit in the cold....
fgjkfjkjkehjgubhjfkghrjgjrkgejr
:*(
|
|
09:32 pm
[Link] | ill never forget that night. pacing back in forth in the waiting room wondering how we all had gotten to that point in our lives. remembering how me and beth used to try and kill each other as little ones. how we used to hug and dance together. and now here i was waiting to be shown into the room she was giving birth in. they led me and sat down in a stool right by her head. she looked so scared but i grabbed her hand and wrapped my arm around her head and told her everything would be ok. kissed her forehead and told her i loved her. "ok here she is" *cries* "time?....1847" your tiny white body hoisted in the air by the docs so we would know yuo were ok. "there she is beth. 6:47....6:47....there she is" "is she a girl? wow shes gorgeous" we bothed started balling. tears just streaming down. kissed her forehead again telling her i loved her. "wow you look like mom..." haha nurse comes up "you wanna hold her" "what? hold her? beth can i?" "yea...go" god i was in such amazement. i got to be the first i got to be that person....trying not to cry and i held you in my arms and showed you to your momma. took you into the other room and put you down on the table. they did their stuff. you got your first shot. weighed and measured. feetprints. first diaper. then your momma got to hold you. and then your dad moms and your aunt sophie. everyone crying...called up grandma and grandpa and told me the news. everyone crying. fast forward. being taught how to wrap you tight so you would stay warm. holding you for hours just walking around the room. man those eyes. just so curious. so quiet. taking in everything around you. i wondered what you were thinking. who you would become. where this world would take you. yea i changed that first diaper. black and messy. woke up every few hours to hold you and comfort you. as you slept i stood above your bin just looking. i loved you with all i had from the first moment i saw you. those first days meant everything to me. still do. i cried when i left the hospital room behind us. just became another piece of the past. so much of my heart is in that room. watched you sleep a few more nights. always making sure you were wrapped tight and comfortable. holding you whenever i got the chance. you still looked around making sure you could take in everything. so quiet. so thoughtful. "man shes gonna be a smart one...".....anyway....i love you angel....
|
09:06 pm
[Link] |
teach me how to love
*i got a B+ on my first college paper :)
*karla is moving up here in sep
*beth might be moving with kasie to sf
*work is good. boss sees how good im doing
*need to have more confidence and be "cocky"
*want to be an engineer
*kinda have a five year plan
*march is rolling around
*beth is 20. morgan is soon 24
*getting ID soon
*need SD and cliffs and friends and mexican food
*possibly going to prom just need to find a cheap dress
*im forgetting something...
*have 400 dollars in savings :)
*went one the roof to see lunar eclipse...too cloudy :( "i wonder where i will be in 7 years watching this again?" yea i had an answer...
*want to make changes to myspace
*should do homework instead
*hugs and kisses*
<3
|
|
09:52 pm
[Link] |
"story of a confusing spiral i wish was as simple as it should be"
yea i was going through a box and i found this and it made me happy cause ive been thinking the last few days about how i want to post something with meaning,was hoping for a poem, about our past and yea idk lol here it is...i hope it makes you smile...
blue patterned socks
no chance arm wars
late night text convos
leaping frogs on denny's table
the car winks
secrets in the back seat
love notes on stall doors
special light powers
mucho mucho wars
chase scenes around pool gates
perfect moments
photobooth excursions that end in bathrooms
tears fall
confusion
drunken walks on the pier
secret trist on kitchen counter
tears fall
promises made
cracking hearts
late night text arguments
words of hate
suffocating emotions
relief
times of rememberance
confusion
worthless efforts
death wishes
words of hate
feelings of pointlessness
feelings of longing
words on a paper...
ok so it got kinda emo at the end but man the beginning sure did make me grin ear to ear.
i would like to add..
teleport machines
reunions in the sand
hugs that never want to end
late night check mates
mended hearts
love filled garages
and soon to be...
neighbors between rooms
<3 mucho mucho :)
|
09:26 pm
[Link] |
i want to cut my hair
off.
very strong urge.
all gone.
experience a different side of life.
lol
but it would suck growing it back to the amazing beautiful full length it is...
someone talk me out of it
<3
|
|
09:05 pm
[Link] | god this song just has to play right now..."big girls dont cry" ha
today has been the longest emotional roller coaster ride.
after tonight which was so awesome why did today have to turn out this way...
oy already cried once...in public i might add..
i just wanna curl up in warm arms and sleep. sleep. and sleep lol
but i dont have time for that or crying or even posting cause of all the homework i have...
bye guys
<3
|
|
10:06 am
[Link] | so the day i wrote my last post they got together. brittany. 17. virgin. straight. works with her. yea i got the 411 lol :) i didnt freak yea it sucked but i didnt let that show through. shes got a new girl and its that simple. im not gonna confuse her mind with shit that has to do with me cause that doesnt matter. shes allowed to be happy. and she is and thats a good thing :) her gf is scared of me anyway. scared ill walk in and karla will drop her. thats not right and im not gonna give her more info to thimk that about me. so anywhos thats that
wow is good i guess. def gotta step up my game. boss looks to me and cj a lot and sees us as future assisant managers. gotta gain confidence. thats my issue. ill be fine just not quite ready yet. drinking with them is entertaining. got t-rashed with them the other night and it was just fun. took me a while to figure out how to get home but fun none the less lol
gotta get pics from ty ty to put on my myspace. we hang out a lot. of course every day in work but we spend a lot of time drinking and hookah. its fun. but i gotta watch how much and how often i drink. gotta be careful on that road.
march is getting closer and closer
new roommate soon blah
theres an asian chick on my feb calander and im not please. gotta stare at her all month. and theres an extra day! blah lol
school takes work
yea i spaced and dont know what else to say :)
|
|
12:55 pm
[Link] |
you dont want to read this
what the hell is wrong with me. im not in love with you and any other time i think about it i cant stand being anywhere near you. but i see you when i close my eyes. and i think about you every day and when i think about my future i always wonder where youll be and if youll be a part of it. is it just cause the past was so good. do i just miss the past? please tell me thats it. cause you dont know my present and i def dont know yours but apparently we both think about OUR future. fjrefhaehjfhejkw. god i wish i was at the stairs. why do i feel like balling my eyes out over this. cause you found someone new. cause you have someone who give you chills and you miss every second you arent with her. do i wish i was her? i dont think so.....its gotta be just remembering the past and realizing its not here anymore. im not that happy anymore. am i gonna find such an amazing happiness again? i have to right. grr. those stairs. that locker. that room. gkjaerhf forget that stuff. i sound so young. why am i freaking out? i feel like curling in a ball and not letting light hit me for days. just be in silence and cold and darkness. god that was emo....
whatever.
blah.
jfkfjhkesnflejgnejkr
|
|
06:48 pm
[Link] | im tired.
but been having a good time
i feel a breakdown coming. its welling up. but i dont want it right now so im pushing it down
ill deal with it another time
going out again tonight
love the people i work with
yay hookah
....
ive just been meaning to write this down....
do you remember asb? do you remember the last song? how close we danced our foreheads together. how much everything around us melted away? i kissed you more intensely then i had anytime before that. we stayed in that moment as long as we could. for a few minutes past when the lights came on.....um. yea. just wanted to write it down. it was a good moment.
|
|
07:28 pm
[Link] | "hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea"
my desktop is hot
my myspace backround is hot
im happy, hyper, and random
this week worn me out....FO SHO!
"funny thing about that is my back is located on my cock"
i need to shave my legs
i havent smoked any of my cigs since that one yay!
cartier is back! yay! fucking love her and our amazing gay talks even though shes straight
my managers wrote nothing but good things about me in my training book and my district manager read it. yay
just me her and cartier on weds. thats gonna be sweet
she came in in pumps and a hot shirt and tight jeans cause she had a presentation. cartier was uncomfortable and i couldnt stop blushing and smiling. yum. god yum
karla's play opens tonight and she is so excited. yay for her. im proud of her. slowly starting to talk more and more. ill never forget how happy i was with her. an amazing amount of happiness there. but thats all it is. its in the past and all we can do is remember and try to stay friends. we both understand it.
i want alicia keys and i want her to wake me every morning with her voice
we and heather fell out. that blows. it does. but the way she talked to me that night disgusted me and she didnt like my honesty and concern. she barely gave a damn anyway.
im suppose to work at 6am tomorrow. maybe 530. yum.
im content with my non relationship status. like actually ok with it. doesnt normally happen.
school is stressful until i get it all figured out. hope that happens soon. beautiful campus. well not really but beautiful view. nice track
maybe ill start running.....nah....
lol
i stole an amazing sign!!!! omg you have no idea! its awesome!
dont really wanna move to nc anymore. it would make school soooo much more complicated.
might stay here though...
march 25th. write it down guys. i get to see angel!!!my mom!!!! my sisters!!!! holy shit so excited :) like feel blessed! :) shes so fricking cute :) check out my sisters myspace to find out. shes adorable :)
i lost the book i bought her...
shit i lost my muni pass...again...damnit.
ok i think im pretty much done here :)
kisses!!!!
love you!
;)
|
|
02:13 pm
[Link] |
my internet works!!!!!
yea its been out for like forever and day but yay :)
ive been listening to this song for like 30 min straight
:)
~timeout phonecall~
:)
im jolly today. yes folks jolly.
going to get my eyebrows waxed. first time for everything?
i might lose my job tomorrow. either way it blows cause everyone i love got fired. someone is a huge douche.
my boss knows im gay
i concluded i dont want to bang her i would just like to make out with her for a while. stockroom? yea that would be nice but no on sex thank you. i talk as if shes offering...
im endlessly sick.
i miss august rush and i want it damnit.
i need changes. something in me is pulling and i dont know what it is. contemplating moving to nc. dont kill me guys i love you and it would only be temp! i never lived with him. it would be free for a while til i got my own place. hed get me a car. home cooked meals!!!!
that reminds me. i got groceries!!!!! spent too much money but oh well i have food :)
i need to buy a plane ticket. i need to buy book. shit i start school monday. (they are chasing each other down the hall) lol. what else do i need to buy? oh yea. i have to pay for classes but not for a few weeks. i need a fake id before june. why are all my friends turning 21!!!!???? damnit (back down the hall) hahahaha!
yay! im so happy. so much laughter and hick music in this apartment right now. :) <-thats not big enough so... :):):):):):):)
"so how are your girls"
"confusing"
"well theyre girls what do you expect"
haha thanks karla that was so helpful
we dont talk....
heather makes me smile....
im sorry kas...
shit i need happy.
lol
o! orange juice! gtg!
and if you were an ocean id learn to fllloooaatt!!!
Current Music: all i want is you
|
|
03:54 pm
[Link] | listening to "what hurts the most" makes me happy actually cause last summer me and amanda used to blare this all the time and i remember my heart was still fighting for maryjo...makes me smile :)...now my heart fights over karla on a daily basis....wonder which one of us this girl dedicated this too...
i dont get to see my mom til may...sad face :(
sd in a few weeks!! maryjo!! rachel!! fob!! sweet! no sis :( sad face
hehe most likely staying with karla now cause i have no where else to go. she gets the couch. hehe. dont want to though cause i will def have a curfew and that blows.
works chill. money money money. worked with like 5 daddy girls during the audit. i was content. haha
food in the house!!!
no i pod :( no camera :(
daddy and finance and beth and angel and tisa for xmas :) should be fun. dads always happy to have the "loewen girls" surrounding him haha
..keep day dreaming of seeing my step dad when i go to n.o...im in turmoil over him a lot...
...karla will always be complicated but simple for the moment so bueno...
i actually got hurt. doesnt noramlly happen to me. blew. hard. oh well. live. learn.
jfsfjsdf
yea not much else...think im gonna go read old posts....lol
byes
|
|
12:07 pm
[Link] |
yesterday was a great day
*love called me in tears. couldnt talk. thought it was her mom. called her back. best friend from middle school died in a car crash in mexico. two year old now left without a mother. all she needs is my shoulder to cry on and i cant give it to her...
*suppose to go out. boobs got smaller. got called an 80's hooker. honor wasnt defended. didnt go anywhere.
*found out bitch had sex in my bed. shaking with anger. "i had sex on it, not in it, theres a difference"
*got pissed at someone cause i thought they were calling me inappropiately. no she fell on the same spot for the 4th time in like a week and a half. almost had a heart attack worrying about her.
fun day. today is my first shoe release and im scared shitless.
|
|
10:53 am
[Link] | job interview sunday! its just hot topic but oh well im excited to have one :)
should be able to move into our room this weekend
gonna cost me 500 bucks to fly to see my sis when she goes into labor...
that blows but if i have ill do it and if i dont ill try to find a way to get it...
thats all i feel like saying
love
:)
Current Location: couch
Current Mood:  tired
|
|
10:22 am
[Link] |
fun night
the three of us drank a fifth of vodka.
|
|
09:31 pm
[Link] |
lets see...
*im in san fran
*me and all my stuff and furniture are living in the living room and i am sleeping on a couch
*me and karla are not "together"
*yes we did both start crying the last time we made love
:(
*angeliques boyfriend is our possible fourth roommate
*i put my hands on karla a few days before i left and i regret it horribly....i didnt hit her i just grabbed her arm...
*need a job...
|
|
10:56 pm
[Link] |
im taking the time
hopefully she calls me but hopefully not for a while so i can do this.
i am finally going to update on my recent life and it will most likely be a long update so if you dont care stop reading now.
...
ok lets see :) im moving the 13th of august, or at least thats the date right now. about 2 weeks ago me and karla and mommma and poppa crow went to ikea to get some stuff for the future apartment. lets just start with the fact that i feel completely deserted right now by the people i feel i should be leaning on the most right now. i dont talk to anyone in my family except beth and i take it up the ass when my mom doesnt try to reach out and help her youngest daughter figure shit out. im spoiled i know. so we go to ikea and i get overwhelmed as always and karla just finds a corner chair and sits there not offering anything as im looking like a chicken with my head cut off. blah blah blah a while we are back at the house and she is getting the silent treatment. "ok i think you should go since you are coming back so early in the morning" she starts to leave then remembers how confusing i am and never say what i want so she makes me talk and it ends up with my crying my fucking eyes cause i feel so stressed and so alone :( she came through. she held me in her arms as i cried like a 2 year old. it meant a lot to me and i wanted to make sure it got written in here.
PRIDE was amazing!!!! so many rainbows so little time :) "homo sex is a threat to national security" youre an idiot....."if god didnt make homosexuals there wouldnt be any" :):):)
my sense of religion has been bugging me lately
my sister is 8 months pregnant. slammed into a wall going 50 but i swear everything is ok. new apartment in el cajon. i love her.
my dad is making my heart flutter and almost brought tears to my eyes. he said he will keep sending me money through december. i didnt ask him. i never asked him for his money. its more than money now. he is giving me his help when i dont ask for it and even if i dont need it. he is just showing he is there and right now thats all i want
honestly though, completely, i dont want to talk to people about my mom cause i have to fight back the tears. she is hurting me. its not even like she is trying to help by making me independent. no. i dont care that she moved. thats what is was at first: she moved. not anymore. she left. she doesnt call. she doesnt ask. i see her boyfriend and hes like "your mom said to tell you hi" call me!!! :( we were so close and i expect so much more than this from her. why do i keep letting this shit from her surprise me? he says she expects me to move down there. why the fuck would i move to be near people who dont care enough to send a text just to say hi? fuck now im crying.
it really hurts. if you know me then you know how close i am to my mom of all people. or how close we WERE.
*drys eyes*
laura once had a dream that she cheated on karla. she looked it up in her dream book and it said that the dream meant karla was cheating. in the same night karla had a dream that she cheated and i had a dream that she cheated. according to those dreams i am suppose to cheat. watch out.
i no longer work at ralphs :) but :( i go in tomorrow to pick up my last check and say my final goodbyes :( some of them really are family
this is really long but i like it :) not much i can think of at this point :)
remember to smile through the tears everyone because it eventually will get better.
:)
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
sxysprtychck8's journal